WORST ALBUMS OF 2006 - AN OPINION PIECE

I have determined I am going to write this in under five minutes (personal challenge!), so it will be rushed, uninformed, and full of error(s), enjoy.

WORST ALBUMS OF 2006 (IN THE WORLD) LISTED IN ORDER FROM BETTER TO NOT GOOD.

10. SUFJAN STEVENS - THE AVALANCHE!

WTF Sufjan, why you gotta do this to me? First off, I have to listen to atleast four thousand tracks on every cd you ever put out. To make matters worse, your titles are so long that iTunes can't even show me the whole fucking thing unless I stretch that shit out, and I'm not about to do that. So I don't even know if half this shit is tagged correctly. WHATEVER. And I know you like the song "Chicago", and hey, so do I. But three times? Let it go. It's over. Let's move on to a new city/state/country/planet. Aside from those glaring problems, the music is good, but that's not what I look at. I read between the lines.

9. DAMIEN RICE - I FORGET THE TITLE BUT IT SUCKED

Accidental Babies. Fuck you.

8. TAKING BACK SUNDAY - UHH DID THIS EVEN COME OUT IN 2006?

I mean whatever, you are my guilty pleasure these days, Taking Back Sunday, but really, MakeDamnSure, why are there no spaces? Are you trying to confuse me? Should I know how to read that? Should I say it really fast? Like yell it? Is that what I'm supposed to do? Fuck you, I had that song as my cell phone alarm clock for the first two months of school and now whenever I hear it, I want to kill myself.

7. BEIRUT - GULAG ORKESTRAR

I know you lived in Europe for like two weeks or whatever, but you are from Sante Fe, you should be making country-western music. And cool points or picking two of the most stereotypical Russian-sounding words for your CD title. I think people were too busy dying in Gulags to form an orkestrar, you Joseph Stalin blowing communist.

6. THE BLOOD BROTHERS - YOUNG MACHETES

Quit yelling. What's up with that?

5. THE KILLERS - SAMS TOWN

This CD sucks, what the fuck were you thinking?

4. JOANNA NEWSOM - YS

I can't even read the title, thereby making it an automatic failure. Aside from that, I imagine her singing sounds like that of the screams of a dying fetus. Plus, what's up with 16 minute songs, I have places to go. I can't devote a fourth of a fucking hour to one god damn song. You are no Michael Jackson, madame.

3. THE DECEMBERISTS - THE CRANE WIFE

Boring CD cover.

2. GHOSTFACE KILLAH - I HATE WHITEYS 2006 (?)

What a ridiculous name. I'm going to rape you.

1. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE - FUTURESEX/LOVESOUND/PEDOPHILE/ASSFACE

Who are you to tell me you are bringing sexy back? Who are you to even declare that it was gone? Go back to curling and frosting your hair, romping with Lance Bass, and exposing 45 year old boobs on TV. I only listened to two songs, but I feel that's enough to determine you are a piece of shit. I want to meet you, then ask for your autograph, and while you are signing, chop your fingers off. DEAL WITH IT.

OK. Done. That's it. 5 minutes. I win.