Wiki-wiki-wild wild web!

Wikipedia is so amazing. After almost 10 hours of sitting around and reading random wikipedia articles for a large portion of the day, I now know the biographies of Paul Reubens, Phil Hartman, Blythe Danner, Gwyneth Paltrow, Wes Anderson, Owen Wilson, Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald, Scott Thompson, Kyle Gass, Will Smith, Mark Twain, Merlin (the wizard), every bit of trivia about The Royal Tenenbaums, Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Ducktails, Independance Day, The Kids in the Hall, the entire history of Stonehenge, the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Black Tom Island explosion, James Town, the lost colony of Roanoke, all seven of the Seven Wonders of the World (the Great Pyramid of Giza, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus, the Statue of Zeus at Olympia, the Mausoleum of Maussollos at Halicarnassus, the Colossus of Rhodes, and the Lighthouse of Alexandria), the process of mummification, natural mummies (bog bodies and frozen), mummified leaders (Lenin, Zedong, Peron), and a large portion of the cruifixion of Jesus. I learned more today sitting in front of my computer than I did through the whole year of school. Yay!

Austin's posts are a lot dumber than Russ's

Sun = Hot
Hot = Burn
Burn = Red
Red = Austin's face

If only there were some kind of lotion that could screen my precious skin from the hazerdous, burning sun. Only then could I safely sit outside in the middle of the afternoon without worrying about the constant threat of skin cancer.

Ten things you can buy at Walmart...

2 liter pineapple soda (only 50 cents!)
Blue Collar Comedy Rides Again DVD
Tires
Hello Kitty pillows
Fishing rods
Apples
TVs
Guns!
Romantic novels
Subway sandwiches

I could live in Walmart.

The Usual

Some time before the end of my life, I'd like to walk into a restaurant I've never been to before and ask for "the usual"

I'm turning into an old person :(

What's the appeal of an LCD monitor? After about 2 weeks of owning my own MacBook Pro with an LCD screen, it's been a lot of trouble and not much else. I mean, the picture is awesome, but really, is it that much better than the monitors I used to use? I never recall saying, "Man! This monitor is so fucking blurry and unclear!" when I used my old computer. And with my old computer, I never really had to be careful or conscious of bumping into it. With this screen, I feel like I'm handling a nuclear fucking bomb with a tiny infant strapped to it. Any slight bump or touch could cause the whole thing to collapse into an inescapable black hole, so it seems. I've destroyed a fairly expensive LCD screen before in an accident that would hardly phase my older PC monitors. Not to mention, the slight residue of anything other than the purified air of the Rocky Mountains seems to leave a crazy smear that apparently requires all kind of emergency shut downs and safety precautions before it can be cleaned. I don't want to feel like a couple-thousand-dollar machine is at stake because I might accidentally touch it or attempt to clean it. Old monitors were okay, I don't mind having a hard glass screen rather than what seems like a super thin piece of tissue paper sitting in front of me. *Cyber-sigh*

Boo-hiss, in my day we used typewriters and walked in the snow and got bob hair cuts and danced to jitterbug.

A completely unnecessary analysis of why I will love "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby"

There are two movies that I absolutely love more than anything else and are completely better than any other movies ever: Anchorman and The 40-Year-Old Virgin. With each movie, I've gone into it with a sense of unease, as neither of them looked too particularly funny when I saw their previews (although I've been a big fan of Will Ferrell and Steve Carell otherwise). After being proven wrong twice, I've decided that I must love Talladega Nights, only because the previews are funny, but aren't totally impressive, and the movie is written/produced/directed/whatev by the same people who worked on Anchorman and The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Plus Champ from Anchorman is in it! I wish Steve Carell was in it also, but hey, I don't want to take him away from the brilliance that is The Office.

"If you ain't laughin', you ain't livin'!"

You kill me Carlos Mencia!

IT'S A MINDFUCK MAN

For some reason, while I was trying to fall asleep last night, I was really impressed with the fact that the FDA allows there to be a candy named "Lifesavers", only because that's the most blatant case of false advertising ever.

The most awkward conversation ever...

Woman: Honey, before we get married, there's something I need to tell you...

Man: What is it?

Woman: Well... okay, this is really embarassing...

Man: It's okay, don't be afraid to tell me, I love you no matter what. What's on your mind?

Woman: Well, remember those college loans I payed off a few years ago?

Man: Yeah..

Woman: Remember how I told you I got the money from my grandfather?

Man: Yeah, I do...

Woman: Well, I wasn't exactly telling the truth. I didn't get the money from my grandfather.

Man: I see... how'd you get the money then?

Woman: This is the embarassing part...

Man: You can tell me anything, come on.

Woman: Well... there are some pictures of me on the internet...

Man: Oh god... how many?

Woman: Well, just one really.

Man: Okay... well, we can work through this... what's the picture of?

Woman: Well... see...

Man: Just tell me. It's alright.

Woman: Alright... well... it's a picture of me laying in a tub with my legs bent up towards my head and an enormous amount of shit erupting out of my ass and landing all over my face.

Why laptops are better than PCs...

I'M IN MY BED RIGHT NOW!

I'm thinking of better posts, but I just had to let this one out.

Lolocaust?

Some things are funny. Some things aren't funny. I've been thinking about this recently, and I've determined a list of the five least funny things ever. Here you have it:

5. The Holocaust - The extermination of six-million Jews? Come on! That isn't funny! But this is hardly the least funny thing I could think of.

4. Robin Williams - Talking fast isn't funny. Being hairy isn't funny. Mork and Mindy isn't fucking funny.

3. AIDS - Well, okay, AIDS is sort of funny. But Rent wasn't funny at all.

2. Carlos Mencia - I'm Mexican! I make retard noises! Oh -- wait -- what's that? You're actually German and Honduran? So wait... you're just a racist then? Jokes > Noises > Fake ethnicities.

...and finally, the least funny thing EVER is...

1. Family Circus - I am well aware that newspaper comics aren't typically laugh-out-loud humor. Usually, far from it. I skip Mark Trail everytime I open a newspaper. Family Circus, however, is literally worse than a combination of cancer, small pox, and polio. It is the bane of my existence. I literally cringe whenever I see it. Here are some perfect examples as to why I hate Family Circus more than anything else on Earth:




Uh... okay. Good enough, Billy. Sort of humorous, maybe? If I were intoxicated, perhaps.





Wait, I thought this was a comic strip. Is this funny? Is this even some form of entertainment? Picking up fucking rocks? Not to mention this kid is a sarcastic asshole. It sort of looks like he just took a huge shit, though, so that's one redeeming quality.





What a waste of fucking ink, are you kidding me? The skirt makes her look like a whore.





SCRAMBOILED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! GOOD ONE, DOLLY!
Better yet, good one Bil (with one fucking L?) Keane... fuck you.





Not only is this not funny, poorly drawn, and completely illogical, it's also vaguely racist. What a fucking horrible thing to happen to the world.

Family Circus sucks.

On a lighter note, my birthday is less than an hour away!

Firewurx FTW

High points from my 4th of July:

• Singing Taking Back Sunday songs in the car.
• Riding the Metro.
• Seeing the real Kermit the Frog in the Smithsonian!
• 11th ranked fireworks show in the world.
• HANGING OUT WITH MY FRIENDS!

I ♥ Mario Strikers

Tips on improving the World Cup:

• Matches last only 5 minutes, 10 minutes at the most.
• Players are equipped with a number of weapons, including bombs, turtle shells, and gigantic chomp-chomps.
• Rather than recieve a yellow or red card, players are frozen in a block of ice.
• Human goalies are replaced with crocodiles.
• Team captains are allowed to load up and kick the ball extra hard for two points.
• Games are often interrupted by unexpected Bowser attacks.